This blog post is going to be very difficult to my usual stuff. Beyond opening up about mental health in the context of cinema, I’ve never really written too much personal stuff on here as I try to keep parts of my life separate.
But since my last proper update wasn’t since early July, it seemed fair that I give you a quick update on what’s been going on. Many of you know already, but it felt right that I put something on here too.
On July 20th, I received the devastating call from home (I live 300 miles from my hometown) that my grandma had passed away unexpectedly. I was feeling a whirlwind of emotion at the time of the call, with the biggest one being guilt as Josh and I were due to travel up and visit her in just 9 days time, which would have been her birthday.
I was heartbroken. I kept thinking, why couldn’t we have visited sooner? Why did this happen? I feel awful. I found it hard to forgive myself for not being there one last time.
But most of all, my heart broke for my Mam and my Grandad, because I wasn’t there to give them a massive hug. Being so far away and not able to afford a train ticket at the time, I felt helpless.
I was also due to celebrate my birthday in a week, and for a long time I was absolutely not in a party mood and I was seconds away from cancelling the whole thing. I didn’t want to party and get drunk with my friends because I felt selfish.
However, I was convinced by my family, friends and Josh to have the party, and I had a really fantastic time to be honest. I’d spent the week before in sweatpants and t-shirts, working from home, not caring what I looked like or if my hair was washed, and on my birthday I actually dressed up for the first time in a week. And I felt really lovely. I felt like me again.
I can’t thank my friends and Josh enough for that night, everyone was so supportive, so kind, so loving. I know a great group of people and I felt blessed that they were able to help me through such a difficult time. I did feel very spoilt with all the cards and gifts too.
Anyway, fast forward a few days, and we headed up north as planned. Only instead of visiting Grandma in the care home for her birthday, we were attending her funeral. It was a visit of mixed emotions, what should have been a happy occasion was a solemn one, but we all got through it together.
The funeral went as well as it could’ve, even though I was a wreck the whole way through, but we all supported each other. At the wake we shared stories, caught up with family members, and it was lovely to see so many people there to remember Grandma.
It’s almost been a month since the funeral but grief is a strange thing and you find it pops up when you least expect it. For the most part, I haven’t been able to commit to a proper posting schedule, only sharing bits and pieces. But I’m hoping that will change in September.
I know many of you have missed me, and I know my content has been stale, but I’m so grateful for your patience. You didn’t need to stick around, you didn’t need to put up with me cancelling last minute, but you did. It means the world to me.
I am doing better now, I’m slowly getting into my routine, and trying to find balance again. Balancing a full-time job, a blog and podcast, alongside gym, socialising, and ‘you time’, is difficult. But I’m going to do it because I care about all of those things so deeply.
I’m going to begin getting in touch with you all in September, but as ever, your patience is appreciated. I’d love to work with everyone who has reached out to me, but I’m in the process of planning my LFF schedule too so things are very hectic!
Having said that, I’ll get there. I always do. I don’t plan on leaving all this behind any time soon.